Ever since I was pushed into the world as a girl, I’ve been taught to push down anger (“it’s unattractive.” “It’s unseemly.” “It’ll drive people away.”). I fell for that because of course I did. Most of the women I know were fed the same bitter spoonful over and over and we’ve lived in a constant state of swallowing just so we wouldn’t make people uncomfortable. I was tempted to say “make men uncomfortable” but that’s not true or fair. This anger-suppression tonic for women was indeed concocted by men back in day, but now I know that the emotion of anger makes many women uncomfortable too. I’ve been that discomforted person for sure. I’ve also felt how titillating it is to see a woman expressing anger and owning it right out there in public. A lot of times I’ve scooted right up close to her just to feel the power. Then, little by little, I learned the difference between aligning with someone whose anger is misdirected and dangerous like a dirty bomb and someone whose anger is delivered as a clear concise gift that can be held and is warm to the touch but doesn’t explode in my face. Yet I’ve always been adjacent to anger, not actually uncovering my own feelings or actions around it.

Currently I’m soaking in it. It’s all my own. I know there are multitude ways to express it outside of myself, but I’m also feeling like maybe I just want to sit with it, let it swirl around me, actually feel it for a minute. I’m not yet in the mood to put it to any sort of practical use. I’m appreciating all the messages and writings being posted about love and movement and forward motion and keep fighting and check on your people and positivity in the face of fear and adversity. I don’t disagree and I’m free to cherry-pick the actions that make sense in the moment. Yet I’m also appreciating the energy of how my real true pissed-offed-ness is bubbling up from a well of grief and disbelief without me needing to point a firehose of the stuff in any particular direction.

Disbelief: I now know that more than half of the people who make up the America I live in hold ideas that are 100% opposed to my own on almost every level. It’s good to know, actually. It’s a kind of preparation. In my younger days, I was almost comically proud to be different in the place where I grew up (Irvine, Cali) and so set off to find my people, which I did: Hello, New York City. Now as an oldster, I feel a different kind of recognition around not thinking like the majority. I’m hella proud of my opinions and ideologies around social justice, bodily autonomy, and kindness and I’m beyond happy with the people in my life who both align with those values and who express them, whether vividly and forcefully, or quietly and privately.

I used to be patient and rather kumbaya around listening and trying to understand the other political side of the spectrum, and then 2020, etc. happened (the pandemic, the election, the 6th of the first month of 2021). Before that, I thought listening and explaining my stance was the enlightened way to go. I thought the person on the other side was listening. I thought those things until the two-by-four of NOPE hit me upside the head. Metaphorically, yes, but the sense of slamming the door on my beliefs was visceral.

So the white-hot energy of anger. I know I can do a lot with it that won’t intrinsically hurt or destroy me or anyone I love. I know that’s the important part. And I also know not to put the force-field of that anger away where it will pop out in truly unhelpful (read: passive-aggressive, grudge-holding) ways. I’m also really very tired. So it’s gonna be a minute before I think anything productive may flower from that rich complicated soil. Who knows, maybe nothing immediately productive will appear and that’s OK. Takes time for things to root and grow. Maybe a controlled burn where I can keep track and let the newly exposed take over.

In this moment, the art of Yoshitomo Nara is working for me sooo hard (selections above and below)! I first saw an exhibition of his in L.A. a few years ago and just climbed right into his world of expression. Passion, anger, action, movement. I feel my heart beat when I look at his work. Banging the drum, my drum, not caring what that looks like because really, who gives a F&k? Needs must.

Here’s the part where I tell you that if you’re not in the mood to be specifically reminded of the upcoming administration, then read no more and please enjoy Yoshitomo Nara’s art as a finishing flourish! Otherwise, scroll on below the art!

I appreciate you all being here in all the ways you are!!!

My friend W, whose commitment around action I admire beyond words, posted a couple of things for those who will be most immediately affected by the coming loss of freedoms we know will end in January 2025 (& let’s be honest, the folx who will be most immediately affected have never really been completely comfortable or taken care of, no matter the administration, so … ) in her words: “given the fact that mass deportation and limiting LGBTQ rights are very much on the table, … if you are even a slightly darker skin color than [pale] and/or are even arguably an immigrant or child of an immigrant, you need to get an original/certified copy of your birth certificate (which you can order from the state you were born). You should also make sure that you renew your passport in the next few months (i.e., before January) if it is going to expire in the next 4-8 years. This is not to flee the country, but to have proof of citizenship. You should have this for your kids too—even if you don’t plan to travel internationally. If you are in a non-heterosexual marriage, you should make sure that (a) your name is on your kid’s birth certificate and/or make sure you have your parenthood established legally and (b) consult a lawyer to set up paperwork (powers of attorney, wills, etc) to make sure you and your spouse are protected together. Make sure you are up-to-date on your vaccines ASAP. Several of them (like TDAP) need to be renewed every so often.”

And I’ll add: HeyJane to the mix for reproductive rights in this moment. They’re an amazing resource. Also, I found this piece really helpful on Ambiguous Loss (yes, it touches on the election itself but I think in a really helpful way).